My Encounter with Death: The Stranger Who Saved My Life | Part 1

Are you going through tough times? Or struggling to overcome the hard times you have been through?

October 6th 2024

This blog entry might be helpful to you as I share how a near-death experience became pivotal in shaping the person I am today, someone I am proud to be. 

This is the beginning of my blogging journey. By sharing my personal experiences, I hope you can find something relatable in the challenges I've faced and that it helps you process and work through whatever you might be going through. I welcome your questions and feedback, and you can always reach out to me at SpeakUpBlog@Outlook.com. Even if you just need someone to talk to. 

Before you read, there is content in here that you may find disturbing or may trigger past trauma. If you're going through something, don't do it alone. You don't have to, talk to someone, please. If you don't think you have anyone you can talk to, reach out to me at the email above.

The Beginning Of The End - November 11th 2023

It felt like any other day, just another morning after a fun night. But there was no way I could have known just how quickly everything was about to unravel. First we'll go back to the night before, when me and my girlfriend at the time, who we'll call "Emily" for the purposes of this story, had been drinking whilst streaming on twitch with friends. We'd had a great time, playing games all night long. Eventually we ended the stream and got into bed, by this point we'd had too many drinks to count and so passed out pretty quickly.

The next morning I woke up to my alarm, I coach football, and at the time I did it with my dad. He'd always drilled into me that when you have commitments, you should always stick to them. So off we went, I was very much hungover, but I couldn't possibly let down the team and my dad just because I'd had a lot to drink the night before. I knew how important it was to keep my commitments-not just because my dad expected it, but because deep down, I always took pride in being someone others could rely on.

We got a lift from one of the parents on the team that day, as we'd lost our car when we were abroad after it completely packed in. Surprisingly enough, once I was in the car and we were chatting away, I didn't feel too bad, and when we got there I made sure to have the same energy I always try to have with the team. They're only young, but they're a very competitive bunch, it's great to see a group of lads with so much passion for football at such a young age. Full-time came and they had ran rings around the opponents, chuffed with the result, we went on our way back home.

An Impossible Situation

We got in and I went straight to my room, quietly sneaking in, so I wouldn't wake up Emily. I leant over the bed and gave her a kiss on her forehead, got changed and climbed into bed. As I lay there with my eyes closed, I heard her moving around. I said good morning, but got no response. Opening my eyes, I saw her turned away from me, and something about her silence made my stomach twist. When I asked if everything was okay, she replied, "I'm guessing you don’t remember what happened last night." Those words instantly filled me with worry, and I sat up, trying to piece together what could have gone wrong. She went on to say that she wasn't going to tell me about it, but I said I'd like to know.

As it turned out, when we had gotten into bed and I thought, 'passed out', I had tried to sleep with her, but because she could see I wasn't properly conscious, she was uncomfortable. She'd pushed me off her and said she didn't want to, at which point I actually passed out. As she explained what had happened, horror washed over me. The thought of making her uncomfortable, even unintentionally, hit me hard. I had always believed that my role was to make her feel safe, and realizing that I had failed at that broke something inside me. My mood flipped completely. I apologised, my voice trembling, telling her, "I’m so sorry for making you feel that way and putting you through that." She didn't seem to think that it was a big deal, but I was still in shock at the thought of me making her feel that way.

It didn't take long for me to start tearing up, still apologising to her, trying to understand the situation. 

We hugged, but the weight of what had happened wouldn’t lift. In my mind, I kept replaying the moment, feeling like I had betrayed the trust we built together. I couldn’t shake the feeling that she deserved better, someone who would never make her feel unsafe, even by accident. And then I said the words that would send us into a downward spiral: "I think you should leave me." 

She told me not to be stupid, that it wasn't that big of a deal, but I couldn’t let it go. I went on to say that she should never have had to go through something like this, and that I was supposed to be the one to make her feel safe and protect her. We spoke for a while and decided we'd end things there, she had a train to catch that day anyway and so we hugged and off she went.

Just like that, over a year of shared memories came to an end. As the door closed behind her, a heavy silence filled the room, a silence that echoed everything we had lost that morning. And that was just the beginning of what would soon become one of the hardest periods of my life.

No Warning

After spending the previous day in bed, I had to face my birthday. The cheerful tradition of my family waking me up with songs and cupcakes felt almost surreal, like I was in a different world from the one inside my head.

Not as enthusiastic as normal, I opened my presents, thanked my family and then didn't quite know what to do with myself. Once everyone had left the table, my mum, in her usual mum fashion, could sense something was off. She asked me if everything was alright, exclaiming that I didn't seem myself. Me being me, I did my usual for whenever I was struggling mentally. Block everyone out, and keep to myself. As unhealthy as it was for me, it was always what I resorted to during tough times.

Reading through all my happy birthday messages, hoping she'd messaged, getting in my own head over and over again just waiting for her to say something. Then there it was, the notification that I had been hoping for, but seemingly was so worried to check. Reading her message, "Happy birthday, I miss you" it brought a glimmer of hope, maybe it wasn’t truly over. Maybe we just needed some time apart to heal. But at the same time, it twisted the knife in my chest, a reminder of how quickly everything had crumbled. I wanted to believe things could be fixed, but that hope also kept me trapped in the pain. 

Over the next few days, we both still played with our friends online, acting like nothing had happened. Our friends would make jokes here and there about me and Emily, not knowing we were no longer together, not knowing the pain that we were going through. We hadn't told anyone that we were no longer together, I guess we didn't know how or when to do so. 

Until one day, it all changed. 

A few days later, I joined the call as always. my best friend, my brother, and 3 others were there. But something was off. Usually, the call was filled with laughter and banter, but this time, there was only silence. It was the kind of silence that made my stomach drop, and I knew something had changed. I quickly messaged everyone in the call, one by one, asking what had happened. "Emily told us you guys aren't together anymore, and she said that you s*xually *ssaulted her." My heart sank deeper than it ever had before. It felt as though the ground had disappeared beneath me, and I was falling endlessly. I turned off my computer and rushed into bed. A thousand things racing through my mind.

Why would she say that after telling me it wasn't a big deal?

How could she tell people who mattered to me the most, something so awful, something that I didn’t even fully understand?

Is that really what I did?

Why did this have to happen?

Nobody deserves this.

I just want her to be okay.

I broke down. My heart, crushed.

A Weekend Of Toxicity

After those painful revelations, I knew things would never be the same. I still wanted to fix things, to understand why this had all happened, but it felt like I was stuck in a loop of confusion and guilt. 

We had all planned to stay at an Airbnb that weekend—a chance to be with our friends, some of whom were coming from abroad or other cities. I thought maybe seeing her in person could help us talk, clear the air, and maybe find a way to heal. It was a small hope, but it was all I had. But then. I found out she wasn't coming, saying she felt like people didn’t want her there, it hit me harder than I expected. I had been clinging to the idea that seeing each other might help us move past this, but that hope vanished in an instant. 

During the trip, we did everything we normally would: shopping, eating, just enjoying each other's company. For a while, I even felt a sense of normalcy return, as if I could forget the pain. Posting a photo of the doughnuts we bought felt innocent enough, just a way to capture the day. I had no idea that it would end up making things worse. We were all having a great time and then when we got the airbnb, started playing drinking games. On a few occasions I went outside for a vape with the girl that was with us (bearing in mind I never vape), she helped me a lot mentally at the time about it. Trying to tell me I was doing the best I could for my ex and that things would be fine, and it was, we were having a great night. I also told my best friend that no matter what, I needed him to be there for her to make sure she was okay. Even if it meant putting her above me.

We ended up going to a local bar, playing games and laughing, it was the first time I felt truly calm since everything fell apart. It was a fleeting moment of peace, but it felt like a much-needed breath of fresh air. 

The next morning, the calmness from the night before was shattered. I noticed Emily had blocked me on Instagram. It felt like a slap, a reminder that no matter how much I tried to distract myself, the situation was still there, unresolved and painful. An open wound, that wouldn't heal. Confused, I asked my best friend why she did it. He told me it was because she felt left out and couldn't handle it, so I asked him to tell her to call me.

It took a day or two of convincing before she agreed to call. When we finally spoke, it was a mix of apologies and small talk. I took the blame for everything. I’d decided I’d rather endure the pain of responsibility and guilt than lose her completely. Even if we could just be friends, it felt better than nothing. We talked about life, joked, even played a few games. It was almost like old times, but with an unspoken weight pressing down on both of us.

Lies And Betrayal

The following days, we continued to play games with just the two of us from time to time. Then one night we were on call together and she'd said she was going to be, we said our goodnights and went off. Then I noticed that a good guy friend of hers had just come online moments after we said our goodnights. She showed as offline, but my overthinking mind couldn't help but jump to conclusions. I tried to tell myself it was nothing, that I should just let it go, but the thoughts wouldn't stop. The urge to know, to have proof, was overwhelming. 

She still had her account logged in on my computer. I stared at the screen, debating for what felt like an eternity. "Should I check? I just need to know, then maybe I'll be able to calm down." I knew it was wrong. I knew I would be breaching her privacy. But I convinced myself that if I could just see, if I could just know for sure, the overthinking would stop. 

I did it.

I logged in, and there it was: "Call started 10 minutes ago".

My heart sank. I wasn't overthinking. My worst fears were confirmed, and the quiet calm I'd managed to find over the past few days shattered instantly. A flood of emotions, anger, sadness, betrayal, overwhelmed me, and I could feel myself spiraling. 

Filled with emotion, I messaged her, asking if she was in a call with him, the same guy I had worried about even when we were together. She said no, that she was in bed. The lie stung more than I expected, and I called her, hoping that maybe she'd admit the truth. But she kept denying it, insisting that nothing was happening. I said to her "If I log in to your account, will I see that you're lying?" I asked. Moments later, her account was removed from my computer. I felt my heart break all over again. Even then, she wouldn’t be honest. I pleaded with her, "Why wouldn't you just be honest with me?" But she continued denying it, even as her voice broke into tears. I went on, asking why I her account was removed from my computer all of a sudden, still refusing to accept that I knew, she said she had been logged out too. At this point I was just telling her that I had seen that she was in a call, but to no end. She wouldn't accept that I knew, and chose to go on lying, now crying too.

The call ended.

After the call ended, I just sat there, broken. The tears came without stopping, and I couldn't hold it in anymore. My mum came in, hearing me cry, and I couldn't have asked for a better person to walk in at that moment. She held me while I finally let everything out. Everything that had happened, everything I had been holding in. I blamed myself for it all, calling myself a monster for what I did, asking her how I managed to mess everything up. But even after all that, she held me and reassured me. She didn’t see me as a monster. She saw her son, struggling but still worthy of love. 

No matter what I'd done or how broken I felt, my mum was there, unconditionally. She was my anchor when I felt lost, and in that moment, I was reminded of just how much she meant to me. She's my world.

Built Up Emotions

Weeks passed without much contact between us, and I found myself slipping into an emotional void. On the outside, I made everyone believe I was okay, laughing and joking when needed, but inside, it was a different story. The pain, the confusion, the constant overthinking. Tt was all still there, just beneath the surface. My friends tried to rationalise things, to help me understand, but I didn't make it easy for myself. I kept asking them about her, how she was, what she was up to, hoping for some kind of closure but only making the wound deeper. In the 2 weeks leading up to Christmas, our wider friends group started playing games with a big group of us regularly. There was 3 occasions this happened, none of which were good for me.

When our larger friend group started playing games again, I thought it might help. Maybe being in a big group would make things feel more normal, less personal. But the first time we all got on a call together, she barely acknowledged me. It was like I wasn't even there, and the emptiness I felt was almost unbearable. This was the first time I'd been in a call with her since everything had happened, and it hurt more than I was willing to admit.

The second time we played together, things got worse. We were all in a big group on the same game, and at first, it seemed okay. But then she began making comments whenever I spoke, snide remarks or simply ignoring me altogether. It felt like she was trying to make me invisible, to erase me from the conversation. What hurt even more was watching her be friendly with people she used to dislike, people she'd confided in me about when we were together. It was like she was rewriting everything we had shared. I continued to play with them all for a bit but it was too much. I messaged my brother, telling him I needed to get out, to clear my head. He suggested a walk, saying it had helped him in the past when he had a lot on his mind. So I went. It was 1 a.m, the roads were quiet, the sky was dark, and I felt as empty as the streets around me. 

There was something almost tranquil about the night, the kind of quiet that lets you think, but that was the problem. It was so quiet that all I had were my thoughts. The betrayal, the lies, the loneliness, it all echoed in my mind, over and over again. I walked until I couldn't think anymore, I found a bench, sat down, and closed my eyes. The music in my ears was filled with sadness, every lyric a reminder of the very pain I was trying to suppress. 

My eyes watered as I sat there, and I tried, yet again, to hold in the pain. I'd been holding it in for so long, distracting myself instead of facing it, pretending I was fine. On the outside, I wanted to stay strong. But on the inside, all I wanted was to break down, to let it all out, to finally stop caring. I just wanted the pain to end. 

When I finally got home, my mum checked in on me. She asked if I was okay, and I forced the slightest smile I could get out, telling her I just needed to clear my mind. I wanted so badly to tell her the truth, that I was broken, that I was barely holding on, but I couldn't. Instead, I kept it to myself, like I always did. I wanted someone to take the pain away, but I didn’t want to seem weak.

Facing The End

Now we come to the night when my family's world would be flipped upside down. A night that would change who I am for the rest of my life.

It was the third time we were playing as a big group, and I thought maybe I'd gotten used to the discomfort by now. But this night was different. It wasn't just the comments or the silence, it was the way she flirted with one of the guys, making sure I knew, making sure I saw. I had hoped that we could slowly rebuild some kind of friendship, but now it felt like she was doing everything she could to push me away. Even after all the betrayal, and the lies. 

When it became too much, I told my brother I was going for a walk. I needed to get away from it, to escape the pain and confusion that were suffocating me. But this time, others heard me say it, and my brother checked in on me. "Yeah, I'm alright" I was anything but, "just need to clear my head. Emily's getting to me a bit." It felt like such an understatement, but I didn’t know how to tell him the truth.

I put my earphones in and started walking, my mind consumed by a barrage of emotions. The messages from my best friend went unanswered until, finally, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I sat down, tears streaming, and messaged him back. "I can't do it anymore" I told him. He tried to remind me of all the people who loved me, of the person he knew I was, someone special, someone loved. But the pain was too much, the noise in my head too loud.

The pain. I needed it to stop.

"I can't do it"

The last message he got before complete silence.

I took out my earphones, put my phone in my pocket, and just walked. Everything went quiet. The thoughts, the emotions, even the pain. It was the silence I had been searching for, and for a moment, it felt like peace. But it was too late. My tears stopped as I got closer and closer to the solution, the only way to make it all stop. 

I reached the bridge, listening to the sound of the cars passing beneath me. I imagined each driver’s life, their families, their stories. Then I heard a van pull up. It was dark blue, one of the windows covered by a black bin bag. I remember every detail, the way it parked illegally on the pavement, the man who got out and walked over to me without saying a word. He just sat down beside me, a stranger with a mullet and a Movember moustache, and for twenty minutes, we both watched the cars go by in silence.

"It's gonna be okay" he finally said. "I know it hurts right now, but whatever it is, you'll get through it." His words broke through the silence in my mind, and I began to open up. I told him everything, about the night before the breakup, about feeling like a monster, about all the chances I thought I had thrown away. He listened, no judgment, just understanding. He shared his own story, about being where I was, about losing a friend to suicide. There was something comforting about talking to someone who I'd probably never see again.

He offered to take me to his place, to sit around his campfire and just talk, but I knew it was time to go home. My family would be worried. I got up and walked off the bridge, pulling out my phone. Hundreds of missed calls, my mum, my sister, my dad, my best friend, even her. I felt a wave of guilt wash over me, realising how selfish I had been, how much I had put them all through. I called Emily, crying, apologizing for everything. She told me she was just glad I was okay and urged me to call my family.

I didn’t call anyone else, just walked home, feeling the weight of everything. As I approached my street, I saw one of my brother’s friends, driving around looking for me. It made me feel even worse, knowing I had put all these people through that. But at the same time, it was the first glimmer of something else. Realising that people truly cared. Even someone who wasn’t directly my friend had come to find me, to make sure I was alright. And maybe, just maybe, that meant there was still something worth living for.

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In my darkest moment, I found light not from within but from the kindness of a stranger. Sometimes, hope comes when you least expect it, and that is reason enough to hold on.